Dear International Creative Management Partners,
I am writing to respectfully tattle on staff members who have shown, time and again, that they are not all aboard the S.S. Mary Houlihan, despite their insistence to the contrary.
Instead of supporting my show-biz ambitions, several I.C.M. employees have made it clear that they think my goals are out of reach. For instance, my agent recently said that she “can’t” get me an audition for the MTV made-for-TV movie “2gether,” because she claims it was “made in 2001.” I couldn’t disagree more.
My agent also insists that “twenty-eight-year-olds don’t really play high-school students anymore—that was more of a nineties thing.” Attached to this letter, you will find a petition signed by hundreds of people who agree that I do look like a teen-ager, including the bodega guy who frequently comments that I “have a baby face” and the woman who cuts my hair and always asks what grade I’m in because I wear a backpack.
Also attached to this letter, you will find a new pilot that I wrote, which I’d like some notes on. It’s about a human criminal who, instead of going to prison, mistakenly gets sent to the pound. And he thought life on the outside was ruff!
If my demands are not met, I will have no choice but to continue living rent-free in the break room on the seventh floor. Additionally, once my demands are met, I will need to continue living in the break room for just a couple weeks—two months tops—until I get back on my feet.
Although I have enjoyed my time as an I.C.M. client, I will not hesitate to inquire with the United Talent and Creative Artists Agencies about becoming the new Snoopy balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Honestly, it’s a win-win for Macy’s—according to my calculations, it costs the department store five hundred thousand dollars to fill each balloon with helium, and each balloon then requires between fifty and ninety handlers. I, on the other hand, cost five hundred dollars for the day, and only six to eight men would need to hold on to my strings so that I didn’t blow away.
I would also appreciate it if you could add more snacks to the break room on the seventh floor. There used to be four different varieties of Kind bars: caramel-almond-sea-salt; dark-chocolate-cherry-cashew with antioxidants; pomegranate-blueberry-pistachio with antioxidants; and dark-chocolate-almond-coconut. For the past two weeks, there have been only caramel-almond-sea-salt bars. I’m not mad, because maybe this was a mistake. Anyway, if that could be fixed, I’d really appreciate it 🙂
While I have your ear, please be aware that my availability has changed, and, actually, I will be gone the first week of December, not the second, as I previously stated.
I hope that we can resolve these issues and continue to work together to accomplish my goals. I am mature enough to admit that, while I have previously flipped out about not getting an audition, you guys were right that the show where they look up the ancestries of famous Britons would not have been a good fit for me, as I am not technically famous or British.
I look forward to hearing back from you.