Starting a new job is stressful, especially when that job is to suffer for all eternity for your earthly sins. But your first ninety days in Hell are a critical time to acclimate to the underworld and set yourself up for long-term success. So, while you’re learning the ins and outs of having your fingernails forcibly removed and reattached at irregular intervals, use these tips to make an immediate impact at your new, never-ending damnation.
Walk your new commute. It’s O.K. to feel disoriented on your first day in Hell, especially since you’ve just died and are still adjusting to pain and torture being your constant companions. Take some time to learn your new commute: it’s fourteen hours, over boiling lava, and there will be two transfers.
Build strong relationships with your fellow damned. Hell is other people, so be sure to introduce yourself to as many of them as possible. Build both horizontal (laid out on the quartering table) and vertical (dangling in a suspended cage) bonds. Keep in mind, though, that the demon asking, “How was your weekend? Tell me all about it” is torturing you, not befriending you.
Choose your seat. Hell recently did away with assigned seating, opting instead for “activity-based workstations,” which have proved a very effective form of psychological torture.
Keep a positive attitude. Whatever impression you make in your first ninety days will be hard to shake. So, even though you’ll be in a non-stop state of physical and emotional pain, don’t forget to smile! Your vocal chords may have been charred by a blowtorch as your flesh was eaten by a hyena, but, hey, it’s not the worst that could happen. (The worst comes in year four.)
Get to know your torture technology. While most of Hell’s tech suite is low-fi (fire pits, Iron Maiden, boiling), they do use the 1999 version of the Microsoft Office family of products.
Ask your manager for feedback. Many new hires are intimidated by Satan, since he wants to sauté your genitals and filet your kneecaps, but he also wants you to succeed. Make it a goal within your first ninety days to shake the hoof of the Prince of Darkness and ask for feedback on how your hot-oil-burn shrieks compare to those of your peers. Your relationship with Satan will be an important one—maybe you’ve heard the adage that people don’t leave their jobs, they leave their managers? In Hell, people don’t leave.
Know that it’s O.K. to make mistakes. No one is perfect in Hell—it’s why they’re in Hell. Forgive yourself for making mistakes as you learn your new job. Why do you fall off the horse? So that you can learn to get back on the horse and fall in a more painful way.
Adjust to your new torture-life balance. It’s easy to find a good torture-life balance in Hell. It will be zero per cent life, one hundred per cent torture.
Be nice to Facilities. They’re the hardest-working people in Hell!
Never forget that you belong here. A lot of new hires suffer from “imposter syndrome.” They feel like they don’t belong—that recruiting made an error, or overlooked a key part of their résumé. Make no mistake: you were chosen to be here for a reason and they’re excited to have you. And you should be proud—they have consistently been voted Second-Best Place to Work in the Afterlife.